Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
