We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
