Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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