Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
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Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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