oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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