My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just forgot I was standing up.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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