its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
