My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
