ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
