i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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