Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
