At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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