I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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