I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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