so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
