so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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