I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
