Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
