I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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