4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
