Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
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He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
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How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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