you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
