Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
