Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Mom said you looked used
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
