i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
my liver is dry heaving
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
