You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Damn victory sex feels great
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
