Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
