I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
