I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
