I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
