if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
