I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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