I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
