my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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