I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
