He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
