Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
