Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
