??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
