he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
