just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
