If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I look better un-naked...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
