I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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