My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
