god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
