I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me