It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
so much tequila, so little girl.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You've changed since you got that strap on