I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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