You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
