Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
