i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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