I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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