Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
