Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
worst night to have a conscience
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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