Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
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She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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