Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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