His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
