You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
