oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
