i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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