It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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