Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just found a bag of teeth...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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